Those lies still come back over and over especially on days/nights like these.
Everyone is out but no one has invited me anywhere with their group...
Does anyone ever think of me? of How I am doing?
If I would like to hang out?
I am losing friends.... and gaining new friends... and in this transition... there is no community.
Do people know how lonely my life becomes?
I really have nothing...
Mom has finally agreed to see me next Friday, we are going to the fair (I am praying so hard that she doesn't back out.)
Dad has his own life and is all into it with his new wife and baby (his new family) (He still calls/texts me at least)
Paty has a family and has her own things and we have such different schedules we never can see each other... also it is a 30-40 min drive to each other's place.
I am losing friends.... and gaining new friends... and in this transition... there is no community.
Do people know how lonely my life becomes?
I really have nothing...
Mom has finally agreed to see me next Friday, we are going to the fair (I am praying so hard that she doesn't back out.)
Dad has his own life and is all into it with his new wife and baby (his new family) (He still calls/texts me at least)
Paty has a family and has her own things and we have such different schedules we never can see each other... also it is a 30-40 min drive to each other's place.
A crappy car that I don't want to drive to much because it could break down any moment.
A hard life of nothing but bills, work, and school.
When people see me... what do they see?
Do they know what is really going on in my life?
do they see how much I struggle?
Do see they that the only thing that keeps a smile on my face and keeps me going is God?
That every morning when I wake up I rather just stay asleep in my dreams away from this world?
Do people know how much I wish I could just go to heaven already?
How tired I am? Even when waking up it is still there...
A hard life of nothing but bills, work, and school.
When people see me... what do they see?
Do they know what is really going on in my life?
do they see how much I struggle?
Do see they that the only thing that keeps a smile on my face and keeps me going is God?
That every morning when I wake up I rather just stay asleep in my dreams away from this world?
Do people know how much I wish I could just go to heaven already?
How tired I am? Even when waking up it is still there...
Oh so tired... so tired... so weary...
How hard it is not to have one family member to run too?
No friend to really go too, who has gone through things like my life?
Do they know that all I really have is God? That He is literally my source for everything... a hug, love, money, joy, strength... etc...
How hard it is not to have one family member to run too?
No friend to really go too, who has gone through things like my life?
Do they know that all I really have is God? That He is literally my source for everything... a hug, love, money, joy, strength... etc...
Do people see these things?
if they don't, and have to read this to know the truth, then they see God's goodness and faithfulness to me.
I want to be a testimony of how good God is in this world, How He keeps His Word. How He loves us so much.
Of How much Jesus' death meant, that this suffering I am going through is just for God's glory...
Do people know that one of my sisters was murdered?
That I write the man that murdered my sister...
if they don't, and have to read this to know the truth, then they see God's goodness and faithfulness to me.
I want to be a testimony of how good God is in this world, How He keeps His Word. How He loves us so much.
Of How much Jesus' death meant, that this suffering I am going through is just for God's glory...
Do people know that one of my sisters was murdered?
That I write the man that murdered my sister...
That I call him my brother?
That the locket I wear is from him?
That he will one day stand by me and my sister praising our AWESOME FATHER!
That this is God's forgiveness?
That Jesus' death was meant for this?
For love... for forgiveness... for resurrection...
That the locket I wear is from him?
That he will one day stand by me and my sister praising our AWESOME FATHER!
That this is God's forgiveness?
That Jesus' death was meant for this?
For love... for forgiveness... for resurrection...
Do people really know what I came from?
From a broken home.
From an abusive home.
From being a whore.
From being a porn addict.
From always manipulating people.
From being so dark and rude.
From being suicidal.
From being lost.
From being at rock bottom.
From being motherless (at times)
From being fatherless (at times)
God has saved me from so much
and has given me so much...
I owe Him all of me.
And He has all of me.
"out on the farthest edge
there in the silence
you were there
My faith was torn to shreds
heart in the balance
but you were there still
always faithful
always good
you still have me
you still have my heart
I thought I had seen the end
everything broken
but you were there
I've wandered in heaven's gates
I've made my bed in hell
You were there still
Always faithful
Always good
You still have me
You still have my heart
You have me
You have my heart completely"
~You Have Me - Gungor
I am not asking for a pity party... just tired of people thinking they know me, know how I really fill (only a few can say they understand) and etc...
No comments:
Post a Comment