Childish Ways

Two weeks ago I was talking to God during some time with Him after I got off of work and before church. I had been hearing "Do your creative thing" here and there but I kept hearing it that day (during work and when I was talking to Him). I go to church that night and I get someone to pray for me, He says "I keep hearing God say "Do your creative thing"  that you are suppose to do it daily, that it is really important."  (it is so awesome when prophecy confirms what you been hearing) 

I have not been doing it daily I have done it about 3-4 times since then. Today I did some (well yesterday technically, since now it is 2am)

I feel like a kid when I am doing it, I am learning scripture, I am learning truth, IT IS AWESOME

I get all dirty with paint and marker. Some of the things I make look kiddish but I like it. It reminds me of who I am in God. I am a child, a princess, someone He loves. He is teaching me how to be His child through it all.

It has brought me so much more peace, more confidence, much more joy.

As I focus on what I am creating, it makes the whole world seem like nothing, just those moments of being a child before God is all that matters. 

It is so beautiful and so much fun.

It is a land that I can run to that takes away the stress and weights of the world. 

It reminds me what it is to be a child again. At 21 years old I live a life of a 30 year old, with back problems already and horrible pain daily (which make it hard to sleep and work). With joints that are stiff. When I am in that world of creativity it takes it all away. It is like I am in my Daddy's Kingdom, in His house on the floor being a child and He is watching me with so much Joy and Love on His face and is telling me "That is so beautiful Mary. I love that picture! You are doing great! I can not wait till your done to hang it up!"

I just love it, it is what I need in this season. 

I need a childhood I never had and the Joy and love of a parent, that encourages me and lets me be me. 

I know it sounds so dumb to be writing this but it means a lot. 

At 21 I should be stepping away from childhood acts.

But at 9 years old having to step into adulthood already, God is redeeming my childhood back to Him. 

I will play in the pile of leaves, I will dance in the River, I will dance and jump like a princess.

He is so good to me. 

Jehovah Jireh

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content

You know Even though I have one dollar to my name till I get paid in two weeks I will still have faith that God will provide my every need. I say these through tears and heart breaking when my hope is fading but I will keep holding on to that truth for dear life.

It is the only thing that keeps me going, the only thing that keeps me joyful through this life.

I have seen God's hand in everything these past few weeks. How he orchestrates everything and puts us with people and introduces us to people. How He is faithful in the little things. I seen this but why can I not believe he can handle the big things?

He created a friendship with KR and me. She always wanted to go to the building with the whole in the middle in downtown, my dad worked there so I knew how to get us there. She wanted to see the skyline of Dallas and watch the sunset. I knew how to get that too. How God used me to give her little gifts that will satisfy her desires of her heart.
But first He had to show me the way to these places and introduce me to people who had once shown me these areas like the rooftop to see the skyline.

How God used me for this complete stranger, his life was being turned upside down and by my obedience of listening to the Lords voice to "walk your dog" He has two new friends (that love Jesus) (you might be reading this... :D  ) and he got help when the world would have turned his back on him. 

I seen God work out how work and the customers that come in on a certain day. That God will show me something or speak to me about something and I get to talk to a customer about it. 

How my aunt did not want this herb/spice thing anymore and I had the same exact one that my friend had seen and really wanted one... So she gave it to me and I gave it to my friend (who LOVESSSS to cook)

God is so faithful.

He is so beautiful.

I know that with no dog food for my dog, no gas for my tank, no phone charger, the bills will be paid. I been faithful in giving and loving and I do not hesitate to do it. I know He will be faithful in my needs and desires. I know He has not abandon me but He is working on a surprise for me. I will believe that He is good and provides because He always has.

Through these lies that are being whispered to be, through these tears streaming down my face the enemy will not win. I will not let him, I know God will provide. The enemy can not win because God has already won. MONEY IS NOT MY OWNER NOR ARE ITS CHAINS HOLDING ON TO ME ANYMORE.

I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.

I thank God that He used my mother for a new car, I thank God that He has and will provide. I thank Him for His goodness. For His Hand in everything. I thank Him for His Love. I thank Him that He never fails. I thank Him that He is redeeming. I thank Him that I will have shelter and warmth. I thank Him for the friends He has brought me. I thank Him for my dog that never leaves my side. I thank Him for the peace He gives. I thank Him for Jesus. I thank Him that He will get me through this, for the strength He gives me to keep smiling and being positive. I thank Him so much for saving me. I thank Him for His joy. 

I will not be scared... I will let go... I will trust in God and look at only Him.

O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 6:30-34


I will praise Him even through this storm because He is good

The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

Philippians 4:6-7

I will hold on to hope because He will bring to pass.

For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing out in the valleys and hills, a land of wheat and barley, of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive trees and honey, a land in which you will eat bread without scarcity, in which you will lack nothing, a land whose stones are iron, and out of whose hills you can dig copper. you shall eat and be full, and you shall bless the LORD your God for the good land he has given you

Deuteronomy 8:7-10 


I will trust in His hand.

The heart of man plans his way,
but the LORD establishes his steps.

Proverbs 16:9 

He is all I got and is the reason why I live.

I thank you that you have answered me
and have become my salvation.

Psalm 118:21 

I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
even get through this storm.

Burnt Out

I am just to a point of being burnt out with everything
I have no energy to even get up and walk
I have no motivation to do this homework
I have no joy to give to others
I have no love to show
I am just so tired and my hope is decreasing
I am trying to keep my eyes on God but I feel like I can't see Him through these tears.
It is so hard to keep running and not stop when I can't see Him to know where I am suppose to go.
I feel so drained and so much giving that I am not getting anything in return.
My soul is so dimmed... the light inside of it is burning out.
My hope is running on fumes

I feel so lonely still and I do not know why. I have three- four amazing friendships here at school that I know I am loved by these people.

This transition is still hard, I miss all my other friends and it feels like they do not even think about me; as if because I moved a bit further, I am no longer in the picture.
They are the ones I need still in my life.
Not being able to go to church anymore but about once a month is so hard on my me.
Every time I go to church I feel like I am not part of that body anymore, but I am just coming in for a bit and then leave.
I feel so alone and not part of really anything anymore.
I feel so hopeless

I hate school and I hate work.
I do not want to continue with school and I want to drop out
I see no point.
I am in 14,000 thousand dollars in debt because of school just for this year and going to add 30,000 thousand dollars in the next two more years...
There is no point to go to school.
To stress over grades especially if I will be making C's like now...
There is no point to continue if all I want to be is a missionary.
Yes I love psychology but the cons out weigh pros of going to school with work and money (loans/tuition)
I see no point of continuing

I just want encouragement from the Lord, I need more of Him.
I want Him to walk into my room and sit on my bed with me and hold me and let me cry in His arms.
And here is His sweet words of Love over me.
His song over me
I need peace
I need strength
I need joy
I need hope
I need love
I need encouragement
I need my Savior
I am just burnt out...

Mommy

The past month many things have been happening

My mother and I are best friends again and I am so happy, life seems to be back to normal and everything right.
My mother bought me a new car... 2012 White Kia Rio
I KNOW!!!!!!!!! INSANE!
I could not believe she was buying me a car... it is such a blessing

My mother in my life again is like nothing can bother me anymore, like all the problems in my life are gone and now I have a mother I can run to and hug and talk to.
To have my mother to text and call
To have my mother who I know loves me
I just love having her in my life
Even at 21 I love having my mommy by my side again.