Friendships, Expectations, Distance, Desires, Obession

I been thinking a lot the past hour while cleaning at work, driving home and walking my dog for 45 mins.

Lets start with friendship and expectations. 

I have learned not to put expectations on people especially friendships but I think I still do it but I try to not let it get in the way. If you knew what I expected from a friend and how i think friendships should be like you would think me as high maintenance and I wouldn't argue, this is why I put those aside and love without conditions. I do not care that you are a druggie, homosexual, not a christian, atheist, a wicken, etc, I would love you because one I am a screw up and a horrible person too and second because God loves unconditionally. He told us to love, yeah I can not like you and be annoyed by someone but I would love them, I would serve them, I love because Jesus has taught me how to. Thinking of what He died for and how much He loved us that He went through all that horrific punishment/abuse; I want people to know they are so loved by someone so amazing (God). 

If I put expectations and conditions on who can and can not be my friend I would have a lonely life, a boring life and a cold heart, oh and I would be super prideful. They keep my so humble, they help me see God (even those who are not pursuing God's heart), they keep me going, I love it. I feel God's love for them, how beautiful He sees everyone, and He tells me STOP JUDGING! Yes I do judge but you won't hear it come out of my mouth (I am not perfect... so it will slip once in a while) but I ask for forgiveness (even if i do not speak it out). Expectations and Conditions is what ruins lives, friendships, families and etc. 

This is why I do not have a man yet in my life, because I have expectations on him already when I haven't even met the guy! He is so unlucky right now. I need these expectations to be destroyed and fully know that God is the only one who can meet these needs. 

What made me think of this?

Well sometimes I feel like I am not valued by friends and I started putting expectations on them while I was at work and getting angry at them in my heart. Sometimes I would love to have a friend come and visit me at work, or just at my home or wherever I am. Distance should not mean anything. As I was walking my dog around the soccer fields at school I could see Downtown Dallas and remember I am all the way at UT Dallas a good 30-40 mins away from Downtown. I started thinking of distance and friendships. I started thinking of how  people make distance an excuse for things, but if a relationship is important wouldn't you take the drive, the ride, the flight and the time to see someone. I know I would, I would drive. I would go to where ever they work and say hello,because I know it gives them joy and know they are loved and valued, everyone wants to know they are. I would wake up at 2am to go be at a friends side, I would wake up at 530am to pick you up and take you to work, I would drive how ever the distance (even without having gas or the money to fill it up) to pick you up from work, to take you to work, to just see you if you need a friend or if I just really wanted a hug from you. I know I sound stuck up and etc but this is what I really see friendship should be like. If Jesus laid down His life for us, shouldn't we for everyone too? He spent the wee hours of the morning just for Him and Daddy time then the rest of the day before bed He spent loving and ministering to people, not once was it about Him. This is what I aim to do, to pray for people, to love people and to minister to everyone. 

(when I say you it is to whoever is reading this) 

I struggle with knowing I am loved, I am valued. Words don't work for me, someone can tell me they love me, they value me, and care for me, but if there is no action it really just doesn't sink in no matter how many times someone says those words it won't sink in. 

This made me start thinking about Philip and how he was transported 

If we had enough faith could we all be transported whenever we wanted to be?

If we had a strong desire could we be transported?

If God grants the desires of our hearts then I say we should be able to if we just believed it.

If we are the body of Christ shouldn't we be able to be transported to just go see a friend a believer or not, to minister to them or just to connect? 

I believe yes, friendship (community) is so important, even Jesus says it is.

I would love to be transported to see my friends in Minnesota, California, Houston, Florida, Missouri, etc, to connect with my other "body parts" and know how they are doing and to commune with them.

I would love to text my friend in Minnesota and ask them if they are home and if yes tell them "I will be there in a minute" and just transport there and give them a big hug and encourage one another.
To hear her play her music that is so prophetic and from Heaven. 

The body parts should never be far from one another, distance should not be an issue since we have to work together. 

I desire to have this be so common that a car, a plane, a boat, a train and etc would never be necessary, NOT EVEN A PASSPORT! 

I want to be able to have my stuff packed and be like "God, where are we going today?!"

If my husband has a day job or anything that makes me him go to work and while my kids go to school, I want to be the woman who sends her husband to work and her kids to school and then grabs her bible and is transported to where God wants me to be that day and minister to people for a few hours and bring me back home to pick up the kids and make dinner for my husband and have a time where we would pray for the people I would have met. 

My husband and I on the weekends would go to another country and minister. 

My desire is to be transported everywhere God wants me and to do His will. 

To be His ambassador, His messenger

  

Then this made me think about my heart and faith.

Yes I love God but I am not obsessed with Him

I want Him to be my obsession, not the desire to have a husband, or the boy that will never fully satisfy me. 

I don't want my need of money to be my obsession,

I do not want my eyes on my empty wallet and empty bank account but I want my eyes on the Lord ALWAYS

If I had enough faith in God I would never have to remind my self He will provide 

I would never have to deal with this anxiety and body pain all over my body every end of the month. 

I would not have to hide under my covers and sleep away my life. 

I would have my eyes on Him and eating His word daily.

I would never put aside His word for facebook, for television, for an unnecessary nap. 

I need more of Him and I desire more of Him but my flesh is such a battle.

I just want to have more faith in Him, trust more in Him and be so much more in love with Him.

I WANT MY FLESH TO DIE--- I NEED IT TO DIE

I WANT MY LOVER TO CONSUME ME -- I NEED HIM TO CONSUME ME.

I WANT JESUS TO BE MY OBSESSION FOREVER AND EVER. 

Childish Ways

Two weeks ago I was talking to God during some time with Him after I got off of work and before church. I had been hearing "Do your creative thing" here and there but I kept hearing it that day (during work and when I was talking to Him). I go to church that night and I get someone to pray for me, He says "I keep hearing God say "Do your creative thing"  that you are suppose to do it daily, that it is really important."  (it is so awesome when prophecy confirms what you been hearing) 

I have not been doing it daily I have done it about 3-4 times since then. Today I did some (well yesterday technically, since now it is 2am)

I feel like a kid when I am doing it, I am learning scripture, I am learning truth, IT IS AWESOME

I get all dirty with paint and marker. Some of the things I make look kiddish but I like it. It reminds me of who I am in God. I am a child, a princess, someone He loves. He is teaching me how to be His child through it all.

It has brought me so much more peace, more confidence, much more joy.

As I focus on what I am creating, it makes the whole world seem like nothing, just those moments of being a child before God is all that matters. 

It is so beautiful and so much fun.

It is a land that I can run to that takes away the stress and weights of the world. 

It reminds me what it is to be a child again. At 21 years old I live a life of a 30 year old, with back problems already and horrible pain daily (which make it hard to sleep and work). With joints that are stiff. When I am in that world of creativity it takes it all away. It is like I am in my Daddy's Kingdom, in His house on the floor being a child and He is watching me with so much Joy and Love on His face and is telling me "That is so beautiful Mary. I love that picture! You are doing great! I can not wait till your done to hang it up!"

I just love it, it is what I need in this season. 

I need a childhood I never had and the Joy and love of a parent, that encourages me and lets me be me. 

I know it sounds so dumb to be writing this but it means a lot. 

At 21 I should be stepping away from childhood acts.

But at 9 years old having to step into adulthood already, God is redeeming my childhood back to Him. 

I will play in the pile of leaves, I will dance in the River, I will dance and jump like a princess.

He is so good to me. 

Jehovah Jireh

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content

You know Even though I have one dollar to my name till I get paid in two weeks I will still have faith that God will provide my every need. I say these through tears and heart breaking when my hope is fading but I will keep holding on to that truth for dear life.

It is the only thing that keeps me going, the only thing that keeps me joyful through this life.

I have seen God's hand in everything these past few weeks. How he orchestrates everything and puts us with people and introduces us to people. How He is faithful in the little things. I seen this but why can I not believe he can handle the big things?

He created a friendship with KR and me. She always wanted to go to the building with the whole in the middle in downtown, my dad worked there so I knew how to get us there. She wanted to see the skyline of Dallas and watch the sunset. I knew how to get that too. How God used me to give her little gifts that will satisfy her desires of her heart.
But first He had to show me the way to these places and introduce me to people who had once shown me these areas like the rooftop to see the skyline.

How God used me for this complete stranger, his life was being turned upside down and by my obedience of listening to the Lords voice to "walk your dog" He has two new friends (that love Jesus) (you might be reading this... :D  ) and he got help when the world would have turned his back on him. 

I seen God work out how work and the customers that come in on a certain day. That God will show me something or speak to me about something and I get to talk to a customer about it. 

How my aunt did not want this herb/spice thing anymore and I had the same exact one that my friend had seen and really wanted one... So she gave it to me and I gave it to my friend (who LOVESSSS to cook)

God is so faithful.

He is so beautiful.

I know that with no dog food for my dog, no gas for my tank, no phone charger, the bills will be paid. I been faithful in giving and loving and I do not hesitate to do it. I know He will be faithful in my needs and desires. I know He has not abandon me but He is working on a surprise for me. I will believe that He is good and provides because He always has.

Through these lies that are being whispered to be, through these tears streaming down my face the enemy will not win. I will not let him, I know God will provide. The enemy can not win because God has already won. MONEY IS NOT MY OWNER NOR ARE ITS CHAINS HOLDING ON TO ME ANYMORE.

I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.

I thank God that He used my mother for a new car, I thank God that He has and will provide. I thank Him for His goodness. For His Hand in everything. I thank Him for His Love. I thank Him that He never fails. I thank Him that He is redeeming. I thank Him that I will have shelter and warmth. I thank Him for the friends He has brought me. I thank Him for my dog that never leaves my side. I thank Him for the peace He gives. I thank Him for Jesus. I thank Him that He will get me through this, for the strength He gives me to keep smiling and being positive. I thank Him so much for saving me. I thank Him for His joy. 

I will not be scared... I will let go... I will trust in God and look at only Him.

O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 6:30-34


I will praise Him even through this storm because He is good

The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

Philippians 4:6-7

I will hold on to hope because He will bring to pass.

For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing out in the valleys and hills, a land of wheat and barley, of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive trees and honey, a land in which you will eat bread without scarcity, in which you will lack nothing, a land whose stones are iron, and out of whose hills you can dig copper. you shall eat and be full, and you shall bless the LORD your God for the good land he has given you

Deuteronomy 8:7-10 


I will trust in His hand.

The heart of man plans his way,
but the LORD establishes his steps.

Proverbs 16:9 

He is all I got and is the reason why I live.

I thank you that you have answered me
and have become my salvation.

Psalm 118:21 

I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
even get through this storm.

Burnt Out

I am just to a point of being burnt out with everything
I have no energy to even get up and walk
I have no motivation to do this homework
I have no joy to give to others
I have no love to show
I am just so tired and my hope is decreasing
I am trying to keep my eyes on God but I feel like I can't see Him through these tears.
It is so hard to keep running and not stop when I can't see Him to know where I am suppose to go.
I feel so drained and so much giving that I am not getting anything in return.
My soul is so dimmed... the light inside of it is burning out.
My hope is running on fumes

I feel so lonely still and I do not know why. I have three- four amazing friendships here at school that I know I am loved by these people.

This transition is still hard, I miss all my other friends and it feels like they do not even think about me; as if because I moved a bit further, I am no longer in the picture.
They are the ones I need still in my life.
Not being able to go to church anymore but about once a month is so hard on my me.
Every time I go to church I feel like I am not part of that body anymore, but I am just coming in for a bit and then leave.
I feel so alone and not part of really anything anymore.
I feel so hopeless

I hate school and I hate work.
I do not want to continue with school and I want to drop out
I see no point.
I am in 14,000 thousand dollars in debt because of school just for this year and going to add 30,000 thousand dollars in the next two more years...
There is no point to go to school.
To stress over grades especially if I will be making C's like now...
There is no point to continue if all I want to be is a missionary.
Yes I love psychology but the cons out weigh pros of going to school with work and money (loans/tuition)
I see no point of continuing

I just want encouragement from the Lord, I need more of Him.
I want Him to walk into my room and sit on my bed with me and hold me and let me cry in His arms.
And here is His sweet words of Love over me.
His song over me
I need peace
I need strength
I need joy
I need hope
I need love
I need encouragement
I need my Savior
I am just burnt out...

Mommy

The past month many things have been happening

My mother and I are best friends again and I am so happy, life seems to be back to normal and everything right.
My mother bought me a new car... 2012 White Kia Rio
I KNOW!!!!!!!!! INSANE!
I could not believe she was buying me a car... it is such a blessing

My mother in my life again is like nothing can bother me anymore, like all the problems in my life are gone and now I have a mother I can run to and hug and talk to.
To have my mother to text and call
To have my mother who I know loves me
I just love having her in my life
Even at 21 I love having my mommy by my side again.

God's little gifts

God's little gifts are the most beautiful things in the world. 

The most amazing gifts.

It was so tiny and could have been missed as God's doing if I had not thanked Him when I was given the stuff.

After class I felt like God told me to go see my sister and give her the fair tickets.

So I went... I love seeing my sister :D

We spent time together, we ate and talked about fb, twitter, google+, boys, school, life. Two of her kids (tony and joseph) were passed out and one (Eliza) joined us.

Well when I was leaving she gave me 6 bucks and some food... and a sign that says "Believe" for my apartment. 

My sister is not a believer either.

Why they mean so much to me....

Well yesterday I gave all that I had in my wallet to church, which was three bucks, and I do not have much to give... Well the 6 dollars to me was double in return :D

Then the food... He never lets His children go hungry. 

Then the BELIEVE - I heard God say, "Trust me Mary, just trust me. I got your back"

Yesterday at church I saw a father come in with two baby bags around him, carry another bag in one hand and his baby tightly on his chest with one of those wraps to hold the baby on your body. 

I heard God say "I have everything you need my sweet princess. Just lean on me, You will not get hurt. I have you and everything you need. Trust me."

He is just such a gooooood gooood Father. 

So beautiful!

So amazing!

He is sooo faithful. 

Do they know?

I just feel lonely...
Those lies still come back over and over especially on days/nights like these.
Everyone is out but no one has invited me anywhere with their group... 

Does anyone ever think of me? of How I am doing?

If I would like to hang out?
I am losing friends.... and gaining new friends... and in this transition... there is no community.

Do people know how lonely my life becomes?
I really have nothing...
Mom has finally agreed to see me next Friday, we are going to the fair (I am praying so hard that she doesn't back out.)
Dad has his own life and is all into it with his new wife and baby (his new family) (He still calls/texts me at least)
Paty has a family and has her own things and we have such different schedules we never can see each other... also it is a 30-40 min drive to each other's place.

A crappy car that I don't want to drive to much because it could break down any moment.
A hard life of nothing but bills, work, and school.

When people see me... what do they see?
Do they know what is really going on in my life?
do they see how much I struggle?
Do see they that the only thing that keeps a smile on my face and keeps me going is God?
That every morning when I wake up I rather just stay asleep in my dreams away from this world?
Do people know how much I wish I could just go to heaven already?
How tired I am? Even when waking up it is still there...

Oh so tired... so tired... so weary...
How hard it is not to have one family member to run too?
No friend to really go too, who has gone through things like my life?
Do they know that all I really have is God? That He is literally my source for everything... a hug, love, money, joy, strength... etc...

Do people see these things?
if they don't, and have to read this to know the truth, then they see God's goodness and faithfulness to me.
I want to be a testimony of how good God is in this world, How He keeps His Word. How He loves us so much.
Of How much Jesus' death meant, that this suffering I am going through is just for God's glory...

Do people know that one of my sisters was murdered?
That I write the man that murdered my sister...

That I call him my brother?
That the locket I wear is from him?
That he will one day stand by me and my sister praising our AWESOME FATHER!
That this is God's forgiveness?
That Jesus' death was meant for this?
For love... for forgiveness... for resurrection...

Do people really know what I came from?

From a broken home.

From an abusive home.

From being a whore.

From being a porn addict.

From always manipulating people.

From being so dark and rude.

From being suicidal.

From being lost.

From being at rock bottom.

From being motherless (at times)

From being fatherless (at times)

God has saved me from so much

and has given me so much...

I owe Him all of me.

And He has all of me.

"out on the farthest edge
there in the silence
you were there

My faith was torn to shreds
heart in the balance
but you were there still

always faithful
always good
you still have me
you still have my heart

I thought I had seen the end
everything broken
but you were there

I've wandered in heaven's gates
I've made my bed in hell
You were there still


Always faithful
Always good
You still have me
You still have my heart

You have me
You have my heart completely"
~You Have Me - Gungor


I am not asking for a pity party... just tired of people thinking they know me, know how I really fill (only a few can say they understand) and etc...

MY 4th BIRTHDAY!

FOUR YEARS AGO.... I GAVE MY LIFE TO THE GREATEST LOVER OF ALL TIME..... 

JESUS!

It is amazing to think it has been four years already... so short but feels so long, I know Who my Savior is! I know God's characteristics, like I have known Him forever.

How He has been so faithful to me is just so amazing.
His love for me is just so mind blowing.
How He has never left me.

His love is just so beautiful.

Four years ago I went on a retreat and they did an alter call and I knew I was suppose to go up there but I wouldn't go up.
The speaker up front said "I know there is someone here right now, God want's you and He is telling you to come up here."
Someone went up.... I still sat there ...
The speaker again said "There is one more person, you know who you are... Your heart is racing.. Don't be afraid, You won't be alone."
I said to myself in my head with my eyes closed, "God, if You want me, You have to come get me."

Right as I open my eyes there is a hand in front of me and I look up it is my youth minister Diann; she says "Mary, you know it is time."
Without thinking I grab her hand, get up, go up front and I say the words as people around me start praying. I start to shake and I close my eyes. I have about five/six women around me and they are holding me up because I am wanting to fall on the floor.

Then I have a vision... 

I saw myself in a white robe, on a green field with a clear blue sky. Someone is standing beside me in a white robe and I am holding their hand. As I look up I see there images passing like a movie of my life, the pain, the sorrow, the darkness, the sin, the tears; then at the end I see myself and it is waving and I wave goodbye to it. Then the person on my right grabs my other hand and is looking at me and says "Welcome home my beautiful daughter! Those are all mine now! I love you!" and gives me a big long hug.

As I come back from the vision I feel all this heaviness and darkness come out of me and then I feel something coming in me... The Holy Spirit...

Now four years later I am so in love with God and He is literally everything to me.
I live my life for Him and only Him.
I lay my life down before Him and let Him do His will with me.
He has redeemed me from so much, has made ever past memory like ashes.

He is Mommy
He is Daddy
He is Jehovah Jireh
He is Hope
He is Love
He is Good
He is Everlasting
He is Unchanging
He is Light
He is Redeeming
He is Peace
He is Shelter
He is Truth
He is Guide
He is Joy
He is Salvation
He is Lord
He is Worthy of Praise
He is God
He is Steadfast
He is Holy
He is Amazing
He is Awesome
He is Beautiful
He is Patient
He is Consuming
He is Everything
He is Faithful
He is Life

I will Praise His name forever.

TODAY WILL BE AN AWESOME DAY


FILLED WITH GOD


WITH HIS LOVE
WITH HIS GRACE 
WITH HIS MERCY


LORD I LOOK LIKE YOU
LET ME ACT LIKE YOU.


You are so good to me, so good to us.
Thank you for everything Lord!

I need to Change.

I don't think I have put my whole heart and being into this school. Into bringing the Kingdom of God to UT Dallas. 

I think I am scared of what will happen to me. But what am I scared of? 

I think in the back of my mind there is doubt. I do not want to be double minded.

I feel lonely... when in fact His Spirit is with me.

I just feel like even though I pray over this school there is so much more I need to do... fast... just pray every morning for sure. Eat my "food" everyday. To go on walks and call the Kingdom of Heaven down. To pray for a radical Change.

I need to change before change can happen here.

LORD GIVE ME YOUR HEART, GIVE ME YOUR EYES, GIVE ME YOUR WORDS.

Change me.... so UT Dallas can change... I want Your Kingdom so badly here for the people and for me.

I want change, I want fruit, I want freedom....

I want it badly.

Give me the strength to fight my flesh.

Give me the strength to change my self.

Prayer from Julene!

The Prayer - 

I loved your latest blog/prayer! I connected so deeply to it, and come into agreement:

Lord we pray that You bring Your comfort to the campus of UT Dallas.

Pour out Your Spirit and do what we could never imagine in our lives

We pray that You bring transformation, revival, 

Change in the hearts of Your children and those who are lost.

Bring love, peace, break strongholds, allow Your truth to become real to them

Remove the scales from their eyes.

Bring unity, friendship, bring hope to the students and faculty, to everyone who sets foot on this campus.

We pray against any negative spirits, all spirits and thoughts that are not of You,

We pray against any movements of the enemy, any evil or thoughts of self-harm, we cancel it in Jesus' name.

Lord Jesus we claim this campus for Your Kingdom! Make Your way here,

Send your angels to bring protection, peace and to sweep out any oppression that may be lurking here. 

Pour out the power of Jesus on this place!!!!

We pray for heavy hearts to be filled with Your peace that surpasses understanding.

Lord I pray for Mary, please make Yourself more known to her, 

Allow her to feel Your presence, allow her to be filled with Your desires for her,

Let her feel Your love more vibrantly, and fill her so she can pour it out to others.

Thank you for her willing spirit, and for her openness to doing Your work.

Please give her clarity and help in her life and in bringing Your Kingdom to this campus.

Thank you Lord, Father, Daddy for all you have done for us and all you will do for us!

Update

Didn't go to class today, I was super dizzy this morning and wanted to vomit...NO I AM NOT PREGNANT! I think it was stress...

but anywho... so an update?

I forgot to tell y'all that last week I sat with God for a few hours crying out to Him and I was asking for the gift of tongues and the gift of interpreting tongues. That night I went to bed and in all 4 dreams I was 3 months pregnant... When I woke up I heard "You are going to birth a new gift soon, its growing inside of you!" So 6 more months and I will have a new gift?! (I hope pregnancy in the spiritual world is faster than in the real world)  :D

Remember I was asking for a friend who believed in what I believed in? Came to UT Dallas because they prayed about where God wanted them and be used? I FOUND HER!!! WOOOOO!!!! and I was an answered prayer for her too! :) GOD IS SO FAITHFUL!

Lets see what else?
I saw a gorgeous red head yesterday as I walking around campus, he smiled at me :) BUT I think it was because I was looking at him.... awkward? embarrassing... I PRAY HE LOVES JESUS TOO and I GET TO MEET HIM (AND IS 21 + years older) hahaha

I get a couch/love seat tomorrow! :)
Allie bought me two skillets and a pot :)
GOD PROVIDES! He is so good to me :)

What else? I might be going to Ireland this summer for a couple weeks? Praying still about it.
I think that is mostly it...

"Glory to One
God’s murdered son
Who paid for my resurrection"

NEW FRIEND AND SISTER

I met this beautiful woman of God a few weeks ago and our friendship is blooming!
Her name?
Julene F.

Read her testimony! ESPECIALLY THE GIRLS/WOMEN/LADIES out there!!!
(click the red sentence under this!)
Girl, you are BEAUTIFUL


SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOOOD
ENJOY!

My Prayer

Spirit of rejection

Spirit of loneliness

Spirit of insecurity

IN THE NAME OF JESUS

LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE 

this campus, these people

They are

loved

wanted

beautiful 

God let Your Kingdom fall upon UTDallas

Let Your will be done here on UTDallas as it is in heaven.

Revive us

Fill us

Use us

Let Your Glory Manifest

Let Your Love manifest

Let Your Beauty manifest

Let Your Spirit manifest

Angels roam this school, these apartments, these dorms, the land.

Minister to our hearts

break off every chain

set us free

bring healing

bring joy

bring salvation

Holy Spirit come.

I am

You know sometimes I wonder if people really know the real me?
Would they want to ever get to know me?

I am told I talk to much, but do they know I am the one who is always listening?
I am told I am mean, but do they know I am the one who will be there for them at any hour of the day and night?
I am the one who is the one answering the door, the phone, the text, making the drive, loosing sleep, loosing study time so I can love the way Jesus calls us to do.
I am the one who allows you to walk all over her and not say a word.
I am the one who gives up my money when I don't have any.
I am the one who prays for you daily.
I am the one who doesn't go a day without tears streaming down her face.
I am the one who is always screaming inside.
I am the one you can hurt but know I will still be there when you need me.
I am the one who doesn't ask anything from you.
I am the one who has nothing but God.
I am the one who  encourages you but in my own life always battling to have joy.

I am one of the ones with a broken childhood, a broken family and a broken heart.
I am one of the ones that have to work for everything and was never given anything on a silver platter except my Salvation.
I am one of the ones with a broken car that is some how working and driving but gives a headache.
I am one of the ones who pays for school, bills, housing, food, gas, etc and works and always barely having money at the end.
I am one of the ones who knows what murder is.
I am one of the ones who knows what divorce is.
I am one of the ones who knows what a "motherless child" is.
I am one of the ones who knows to much for a 21 year old.

I am Mary
I am loved
I am saved
I am beautiful
I am Holy
I am a conquer
I am a warrior
I am a servant
I am joy to His heart
I am His delight
I am a rose to Him
I am a daughter of an amazing Heavenly Father

Broken

Its been a long few days....
I have been going off of about four hours of sleep everyday.

I even broke out in tears at work today because I got an anxiety attack out of nowhere. I had to go to the bathroom and hide for a bit so I could calm down.

My heart is broken, so stress and so confused.
My soul is broken, so stress and so confused.
My body is broken, so stress and so confused.
How can I love God and do His will with all my heart, all my soul and all my strength when I have nothing left in me?

I went to prayer this morning at church and it was such a blessing, God spoke to me and I cried there also. It is just so hard to leave that place and continue my day full of school, ministering, and working with love because of just everything piling up and the energy it takes.
 I am not doing this with the strength of the Spirit but by my own strength, which I need to not do. I need to learn how to walk in the strength of the Spirit because I will crash (I am already swerving on this slippery road)) I need the Spirit to teach me how to walk in His comfort, peace and strength because this life is just to hard and asks so much of me. It does not ask to much because I know I could do it but my human body can not handle the spiritual things.

I just feel so lonely here at UTDallas. I need a friend/a partner who thinks like me, who came to this school not for the education but because God told them to come here and make disciples. To bring revival just like He told me. I need a partner who walks these streets/halls/buildings etc praying for the Glory of God to manifest, Who is so in love with God that we can talk and minister to each other. That I do not have to feel empty and lonely here. I need someone to encourage me, to encourage me to keep running this race.

I just need a hug and arms I can cry in till it is all out of me.
I need God to sing over me and speak love over me.
I need so much of Him.
I am going after Him tonight.

Still my soul, in the silence make me whole...

#2/ Daylight / John Mark McMillan

I need to stop.

Why do I pursue guys?
Why do I seek to find "the one"?
Why do I always flirt?

I wish I didn't have these tendencies.  I do not want to be like this anymore. I do not want to care for finding a man. I just want to stay away from that area. No dating, not thinking of marriage, not thinking of the future. I just want to have my eyes focused on God and His Beauty.
I want to be ravished by Him and His Glory.

I do not want to be focused on any man (except Jesus)
I want it to go away. I want to be set free from this desire! This want of having a man in my life.
To have someone care for me.
To know I am loved.
WHEN I SHOULD HAVE THAT IN GOD!
I KNOW I DO BUT SOMEHOW MY SOUL DOESN'T SEE IT.

Clearly I need a lot of growing up to do spiritually before I can even consider dating a man. Yes I say man because who ever I end up marrying might have to be in their mid/late twenties... Since I am having to live as a 30 year old already.
How am I going to be married to a man when I can not get satisfaction in God alone? I will put so many expectation on my husband that it would destroy the marriage. I need to be in total satisfaction in God before I can even say yes to a man.

I need more of you Lord... So much more of you.

Faithful= mom+card

God is funny!

Today I got a card from my mother in the mail.
It had a 50 dollar check but that isn't what is cool.

In the front it said "Every detail of your life matters to God"
and in the back it said
"God cares, cares right down to the last detail."

GOD IS AMAZING!
and my mom had written "I love you always"

Lets just say I keep crying every time I read this card.
God is good.
He is so faithful.
so faithful.

broken

I just want more of God right now and He is being silent or I can not just hear Him. I need God so much, all I want is to have Him come into my room every night and minister to me after long days of ministring to others. I just need Him to come take care of me. I ask the Holy Spirit to come and speak to me, to show me things, to tell me that I am an awesome daughter, an awesome servant, an awesome love.
I want to be secured every night.

I want to still my soul so I can feel Him, so i can have rest after a long crazy day. I want to still my soul in the morning before I start the day that will try to drown me. I need more of God in this life of mine.
I want more power, I want more of Him, I know I am missing something because I can feel a gap in my life, i need more of Him, I need Him to fill this hole before I do and before the world does.

I feel so numb, I am so use to all of this "adult" life stuff and how hard it can get. Not having a car again (because it broke again), struggling with money, bills, things i need, things come up that i need to pay for, making time for friends, making time to study, work, the stress, the triedness, etc, that I do not really give it all to God because I feel like Ican handle it on my own... which is a lie... Because it is how I got to this place of brokenness. You would think I would have learned by now...nope I am stubborn.

Everyday I miss my mother more and more... just not having her experience this University life with me, hurts. I really pray she comes back into my life soon, I miss our friendship.

Sometimes I wonder why this is the life I was "given"... If I had not given my life to Christ at 17 would it have gotten this hard? But at the same time if I didn't I would have already killed myself and most likely be going to hell. I am thankful that God came and found me in my hiding place and saved me.

Even though I sound "depressed" I really am not just broken, in a season of new storms and challenges. I still choose to Worship God in this season, because He deserves all the praise in the world.

Speak to me with love and grace
Draw me more to seek your face
And open up this heart of mine
That I would seek, so I can find
All the love that’s in your heart
And the grace that you impart
Oh, make this my soul’s reality

CHORUS
Oh, still my soul
In the silence make me whole
Oh, embrace my heart, so that cannot depart
Oh, still my soul
~MPJ

In The Silence by Matthew Perryman Jones

And as I question what is real
I tend to lean on how I feel
And such darkness seems to break my soul
And as I wrestle with your voice
It’s bidding me to make a choice
And I can find no comfort anywhere

Speak to me with love and grace
Draw me more to seek your face
And open up this heart of mine
That I would seek, so I can find
All the love that’s in your heart
And the grace that you impart
Oh, make this my soul’s reality

CHORUS
Oh, still my soul
In the silence make me whole
Oh, embrace my heart, so that cannot depart
Oh, still my soul

I come to you a wretched man
And I ask you just who I am
And you say I’m a beloved child
And no, I cannot understand
Why you keep me in your hand
Why your grace still upholds my soul

And I am ravaged by your voice
You are now my only choice
Invade my heart with love divine
You made me yours, I make you mine
Keep me here within your grace
Cause I love to see your face
You are truly my reality

CHORUS

And in the silence where the darkness grows
Of the truth of what’s in me
A gentle whisper wraps around my soul
And holds me to set me free
Oh, oh…

CHORUS

…My soul
Still my soul…
…My soul
Still my soul…
Still my soul…
Still my soul…
My soul…

Giving Up

A LOTTTTT has been going on. Something "bad" happened about every day this past week and it made me a bitter heart towards God.

I just wanted to give up to be done with everything and not do this anymore.

I was screaming, crying to God and telling Him I didn't like Him.

I felt like a beggar and not a daughter. 

I was so overwhelmed with everything that I forgot all that I have to do is sit in the chair and keep my eyes on Him, to watch what He is doing. I forgot to seek His kingdom, I forgot to lay everything down at His feet. I forgot to "give up" everything, to let it go and let Him do His thing. 

I want more of God, I am so hungry and thirsty for Him. 

I do not know what I am going to do but I know I can trust in my Father, even when my flesh says I can't, when it tells me "there must not be a God" (yes those thoughts still come by at times).

Even right now my flesh doesn't want to believe that God will be faithful, but I choose to push through that and know He will because He has before (many times). 

I ask that He provides me with patience, because I do not have any. 

I want to be satisfied by Him and only by Him.

I need His refreshing love, power, mercy, joy, patience, and grace.

Meeting the One

I write before I start the day off and just reflecting on yesterday. 

Love is the thing everyone is looking for, for acceptance, for value, for identity.

They want a relationship with someone who is crazy in love with them, someone who will make them feel like the only person in the world!

I saw how desperately people want to meet Love.
People were shocked that you could talk to God and hear back from Him... It broke my heart because I want them to know that God is speaking to them! That God is chasing their hearts! Their AMAZING FATHER is calling out their name daily till they hear the faint whisper. 

At the same time God is opening people's eyes and setting them on fire! How there is freedom and joy,so much joy in the spirit! That there is more to God then they could have imagined! He really is raising up a generation after His heart!

It is beautiful to see God on this campus! To see that He is already at work and ready to feed those who are  starving and thirsty! 

I pray for divine appointments today. That the Lord will use me to love people and I pray for open ears and eyes to listen and see. 

"You are good, You are good
When there's nothing good in me
You are love, You are love
On display for all to see"

I want to display the Love of the Father, the sacrifice of Jesus, the working of the Spirit.

Lord let Your rain fall from Heaven and open doors for me today, new relationships, more people to love. More people to be Jesus to. Lord my life is Your's do Your will through me, don't let me miss a single moment. 

Life of the world forever reign! 

Hillsong Live - Forever Reign

I’m running to Your arms

God is hilarious and so good!

I got out of work early and went to my old church (because I didn't get to go tonight to my church) and every song they played had to be about being in the arms of God, in His embrace (it has to do with my blog post last night). It is so beautiful, how He is just enough for me, the perfect amount. Never to little, never to much, just perfect! 

He knows my heart and knows how much I need Him. He is all that I got.

His love just astounds me everyday. He is so beautiful so beautiful. I love when He reminds me that He is my Daddy that He loves me and how much He wants me. Why would He want me? I am a mess and a horrible person, but His love for me is so amazing.

I want people to know how much God loves them and wants them. How much He can change their lives. How much when there seems to be nothing to live for... He comes in and then becomes the reason you live.

He comes in and gives you identity. 

He comes in and lets you know you are loved.

He comes in and shows you your worth.

He comes in and takes every pain, every sorrow.

He comes in and gives an overflow of joy.

Only in His love.

Everything is Going to be Okay

So am I allowed to say I hated this week and still do?

This is going to be a stressful semester. The class work is intense plus I have a job? Then BSM... All the things I have to do for outreach... I feel like I do majority of everything plus a job? Just so much things to. Like tonight I had to say no to friends so I could just rest and be alone for a bit.

I was hoping this wouldn't happen but it did... But it won't stop me from loving people and going after people. My problems shouldn't be on them. I will learn to give it to God more so it can be hidden in Him. I want to shine for Him. I do not want to be dimmed because of my stress, the bitter in my heart towards people (which I am working on), my sorrow in some areas of my life. Except on this blog will you hear about some of it.

I wish I could run to my mother's arms and just cry in them. I miss my mother so much, I wish she would speak to me again and want to see me I do not want her to miss out on my college life and growing up. It hurts so much not to have her in my life. Not to be able to hear her voice and just talk to her. To tell her I love her and hug her.

Sometimes I feel so alone in this world. Even with all the friends I have and people who care for me, I feel so alone and feel like I can not go to anyone. My heart hurts so much. I just need a hug from my mother so I know everything is going to be okay.

I am just hoping I feel like this because I need to get use to school, job and leadership altogether, again. Then maybe it will get better.

Everything is going to be okay... My Father is with me and holds me.

INTRO:
[TobyMac:]
(I love, I love, I love, I love the way you hold me) x 3
(I love, I love, I love, I love the way you, the way you)

VERSE 1:
I’ve had a long day I just wanna relax
Don’t have time for my friends, no time to chit-chat
Problems at my job, wonderin’ what to do
I know I should be working but I’m thinking of You and
Just when I feel this crazy world is gonna bring me down
That’s when Your smile comes around

CHORUS:
Oh, I love the way You hold me, by my side You’ll always be
You take each and every day, make it special in some way
I love the way you hold me, in Your arms I’ll always be
You take each and every day, make it special in some way
I love You more than the words in my brain can express
I can’t imagine even loving You less
Lord, I love the way You hold me
Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh, oh whoa, I love the way You hold me
Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh
[TobyMac:
(I love, I love, I love, I love the way you hold me) x 3
(I love, I love, I love, I love the way you)

VERSE 2:
Well You took my day and You flipped it around
Calmed the tidal wave and put my feet on the ground
Forever in my heart, always on my mind
It’s crazy how I think about You all of the time
And just when I think I’m ’bout to figure You out (figure You out)
You make me wanna sing and shout

(CHORUS)

BRIDGE:
I’m so grateful and thankful for all You’ve done
Wish I could tell You in a short story or poem
But, all I have is my voice and this guitar
And You have my heart

CHORUS 2:
Oh, I love the way You hold me, by my side You’ll always be
You take each and every day, make it special in some way
I love the way you hold me, in Your arms I’ll always be
You take each and every day, every day, every day
Oh, I love the way You hold me, by my side You’ll always be
You take each and every day, make it oh-so-special
I love the way you hold me, in Your arms I’ll always be
You take each and every day, make it special in some way
I love You more than the words in my brain can express
I can’t imagine even loving You less
Lord, I love the way You hold me
Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh, oh whoa, I love the way You hold me
Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh, oh I love
[TobyMac:]
(I love, I love, I love, I love the way you hold me) x 3
(I love, I love, I love, I love the way you, the way you)

OUTRO:
[TobyMac:]
(I love, I love, I love, I love the way you hold me) x 2
(I love, I love, I love, I love the way you hold me, hold me, hold me)

Body of One

Aren't we one body?
Then why is there a competition between all the christian clubs here... To see who can get more members, who look cooler, who are more fun, etc. Shouldn't each club be happy that at least the student has been connected into a group?
Why is there is so much separation?
I am in a group who's main core beliefs are the same as mine and we aim to do the same, to love Jesus, serve Him and to make disciples.
Just because I believe that the gifts still exist (like speaking in tongues, prophecy, distinguishing spirits) and majority of them don't or not use to it like I am, doesn't mean mean I can not be part of this group. So why are there so much separation?
I am great friends with people who don't believe in those gifts are still at work, but we love each other so much!
I really wish that this semester there wouldn't be a separation between the clubs here but there will be a unity between us and that we will unite as the body (like we are suppose to) and go after the souls here and show them who Jesus is! Jesus is unity! Jesus is love! If we can not love each other then how are the non believers or lost ones going to see Jesus? We are the aroma for them! I want to smell like the body of Jesus! I want us to smell like the body of Jesus together!

Amazed

You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound

Lord I’m amazed by You
Lord I’m amazed by You
Lord I’m amazed by You
How You love me

How wide
How deep
How great
Is Your love for me


by Desperation Band

The Beginning

So I have moved into my apartment.
It is nice to be living on my own but at the same time really weird.
I feel a bit lonely and miss my dad but at the same time I really feel like an adult.

I am just so drained with giving  so much of my self to reaching out to this school, but I do not hate it, I am loving every moment. I understand Jesus' heart for people but at the same time why He ran to God everyday.
God has became my everyday strength and food.

I am so ready for the year to start to start reaching out to people and making friends.
Today at orientation I met two girls (one of them I helped them move in to their dorm).
They asked me to mentor them through out the year here at UT Dallas, it brought me so much joy! I hope I get to and make a deep friendship! That we all help each other fall more deeply in love with Jesus.

The Lord is so good to me!
He Loves me :)
He freaking LOVES YOU!