broken

I just want more of God right now and He is being silent or I can not just hear Him. I need God so much, all I want is to have Him come into my room every night and minister to me after long days of ministring to others. I just need Him to come take care of me. I ask the Holy Spirit to come and speak to me, to show me things, to tell me that I am an awesome daughter, an awesome servant, an awesome love.
I want to be secured every night.

I want to still my soul so I can feel Him, so i can have rest after a long crazy day. I want to still my soul in the morning before I start the day that will try to drown me. I need more of God in this life of mine.
I want more power, I want more of Him, I know I am missing something because I can feel a gap in my life, i need more of Him, I need Him to fill this hole before I do and before the world does.

I feel so numb, I am so use to all of this "adult" life stuff and how hard it can get. Not having a car again (because it broke again), struggling with money, bills, things i need, things come up that i need to pay for, making time for friends, making time to study, work, the stress, the triedness, etc, that I do not really give it all to God because I feel like Ican handle it on my own... which is a lie... Because it is how I got to this place of brokenness. You would think I would have learned by now...nope I am stubborn.

Everyday I miss my mother more and more... just not having her experience this University life with me, hurts. I really pray she comes back into my life soon, I miss our friendship.

Sometimes I wonder why this is the life I was "given"... If I had not given my life to Christ at 17 would it have gotten this hard? But at the same time if I didn't I would have already killed myself and most likely be going to hell. I am thankful that God came and found me in my hiding place and saved me.

Even though I sound "depressed" I really am not just broken, in a season of new storms and challenges. I still choose to Worship God in this season, because He deserves all the praise in the world.

Speak to me with love and grace
Draw me more to seek your face
And open up this heart of mine
That I would seek, so I can find
All the love that’s in your heart
And the grace that you impart
Oh, make this my soul’s reality

CHORUS
Oh, still my soul
In the silence make me whole
Oh, embrace my heart, so that cannot depart
Oh, still my soul
~MPJ